It's all related

This isn't the post I envisioned while I was running. I didn't get far enough to have time to let my mind wander to a place of even being able to plan my post. This post might come out of a different place than my previous posts--caution!

So, this training stuff is hard. Working so hard for a goal that is now, 2 weeks away, continues to force my gaze and focus UP, and OUT. So emotional stuff that goes on at the same time as training, let's call that stuff life, is never easy either! I love people deeply. Sometimes, I hurt them unintentionally. Sometimes, I do more harm than good, and sometimes what I thought was this great thing, isn't so great.
It's like training. I thought that today I'd be ready to run a nice easy 12 miles. I had taken Wednesday completely off from running. Thursday was an active rest day where I rode my bike 6 miles and then lifted a bit. Friday was indoor cycling and I was free of ankle/knee pain. Yesterday I was at school from 8AM until 9:45PM...that's a loooooong time! I spent a good majority of that time on my feet on concrete working in the concession stand, and by the end of that my ankle had started to feel tired and sore. I also got a text from Beth that B-man was sick and she couldn't ride with me in the morning. Well, I sent out a lot of text-pleas and got nothing in return. So, I spent the drive home in the rain planning my run and mentally preparing. I envisioned the trail, where the the water was and what it would be like for me to be out there alone.
This morning I was planning on sleeping in (till 7AM) and then getting up and ready. But, like I've already mentioned, it's all related, so I was feeling overwhelmed and uneasy. About .15 of the run, I felt a tinge in my ankle. I felt the tightness and stiffness and then it hit my knee. I knew I should stop, but I kept going because stopping is really hard. It's like admitting defeat or that I'm not going to be able to do it. I kept going and the pain would go away, then I would feel it again. And it's not muscular, it's joint-stuff -how scientific...So on the trail the debate is going back in forth in my head do I keep going, or do I stop? Do I forge through, or is that unwise? Will it hurt me more later to keep going now? Do I keep the END in mind and take care of myself now, or just go because I wanted to be able to run today? Are you beginning to see the greater picture and how all this STUFF is related???

At 1.68, I turned around. I ran 3.11 and walked the rest .50 mile home. It's soooooooo hard for me not to feel like an absolute failure! I wanted to be on the trail, I want to be healthy, and more than that, I want to be able to give myself grace in this moment. I want to be able to believe it, ya know?

I hope this isn't just downer ramblings to you today!

It's beautiful outside, I'm hoping for some JG time and maybe a nice leisurely bike ride:)

Happy Birthday Sam!!
Happy Saturday!